Last night I had worldly fun. Nothing terrible happened, but I stand convicted nonetheless. I drank too much wine and I'm certain the creepier side of me blossomed . . . I said too much of certain things, nodded my head in unison with things maybe I didn't agree with (general things, but careless and mostly pointless things). I stooped low and smoked a cigarette. I haven't had one in yonks, but still. I'm ashamed of myself. Plus, my mouth tastes terrible. Still.
I deserve every bit of how my body feels today. It's as if I've a little bit of a stomach flu. But I know the truth: I had too much. I'm a happy tipsy gal, of course, but I like who I am when I'm not under the influence.
As I sipped at my morning coffee and set to prayer . . . I sat convicted. I know I am being hard on myself, but here's the thing: it is necessary to be so that I do not do it again. I hate feeling like crap, physically and spiritually. So, a couple of dirty things were said and heard, but I participated. I loathe that above all else. I do not want to undermine any goodness that is in me. I can't work against the message of Christ this way! Yes, of course, there is forgiveness (Yes!), but I know better than to do these things.
So I analyzed alcohol and decided that I don't need it, nor do I much want it. It's always been a social thing for me, and, rarely do I take in so much I feel this way. However, not wanting to make excuses for myself, I've come to the conclusion that (at least for the time being) I will not drink alcohol. My husband doesn't - he quit when he joined the navy in 1988. I admire this man and he's my life partner. I can honor him more by not stumbling in the front door as if I were some dumb teenager. It was almost embarrassing the way he looked at me, like, "You didn't even make us dinner." Of course, he would never say that and I'm sure he didn't even think it . . . but I'm also sure he's not happy about my antics.
I'm not happy about my antics. If I'm not, I know God can't be. So, even though alcohol isn't a "problem" I am going to avoid it. I'd rather have my coffee and be alert for life and in more control over my mind, mouth, and behaviour.
I believe this is what God is asking of me. Die to this part of myself (that clings to rebellion).
Mary, Mother of God, ora pro nobis.
7 comments:
Sarah-This is why I read your blog. You say out loud what most of us just keep inside... and help make us better people. I don't drink. A lot of people think I'm just really "religious" or something. Or that it's because I'm nursing. The truth is that I like myself better when I'm not an idiot. And I honor God more when I'm not an idiot. Some people can drink and not be idiots but I am not one. Now, I'm an idiot in other ways... but at least I don't foist it upon myself and others with alcohol. So, I get you. And I'm proud of you. These times are blessings because we get the opportunity to wake up again and learn about ourselves and our limits and to love him more. You know you that you weren't horrible... but you are more sensitive to Love than you used to be, right? Praise God. God bless you, girl!
Beautifully and brutally real! I love you:)
What a beautiful, honest post. For health reasons I have not been able to drink more than a tiny tiny bit in many years but this post reminds me of the blessing this health issue is that requires this kind of abstinence. But this post certainly brings back memories. I hope you won't beat yourself up. You know? We all fall. Every day.
Yep...can't add much more to Rosemary's comment here. You are great to be honest and I know I can't handle much. I had one glass on my trip at a restaurant and half way through..red wine...well, nevermind. I did need the getaway..I did need the relaxy..and those parts were great..anyway..just so ya know..
I mean the relaxation..didn't need the other so much..no big deal..its done...we're both fine, right? :)
:(
thank God for His mercy and goodness.
we all fall, love.
but i like what you said about being alert for life and in control of your behaviour.
i think that, in a nutshell, is why "sobriety" is so important.
i know our Lord drank wine. and good wine 'twas. but if you have a tendency to not be a good person when you drink then perhaps you are better off "dying" to this part of yourself.
you are a beautiful person.
so honest and real.
i know that every once in a while i feel the need to have a tiny sip of something because i am SO uptight. that's not good either.
that is something i need to "die" to.
learn to laugh at myself more.
don't be too hard on yourself.
we all fall...He picks us up if we are lucky and we move on...
beautiful daybook btw.
talk to you soon.
xo.
ps. i COMPLETELY understand the teenager crisis thing. i have 3 remember? and it hurts something awful.
praying for you. and the teen.
it's ALL we have, but it's EVERYTHING!
You are so honest and straightforward, Sarah. We all make mistakes. I rarely drink but a few years ago while we were on vacation a friend visited and we went out for a drink...and then another...and another. The next morning I had such a bad hangover - I threw up! (Yeah...I'm a lightweight :) My entire family (parents, my brother, my sister, husband) all knew I had a hangover. I was so embarrassed!
Like you, I felt convicted even though it wasn't something I usually do. I knew it was wrong and it bothered me until I confessed it. I guess what I'm saying is that I can well relate to your story here :)
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