I Can Do This Thing Asked of Me

Last night I had worldly fun.  Nothing terrible happened, but I stand convicted nonetheless.  I drank too much wine and I'm certain the creepier side of me blossomed . . . I said too much of certain things, nodded my head in unison with things maybe I didn't agree with (general things, but careless and mostly pointless things).  I stooped low and smoked a cigarette.  I haven't had one in yonks, but still.  I'm ashamed of myself.  Plus, my mouth tastes terrible.  Still.

I deserve every bit of how my body feels today.  It's as if I've a little bit of a stomach flu.  But I know the truth:  I had too much.  I'm a happy tipsy gal, of course, but I like who I am when I'm not under the influence.

As I sipped at my morning coffee and set to prayer . . . I sat convicted.  I know I am being hard on myself, but here's the thing:  it is necessary to be so that I do not do it again.  I hate feeling like crap, physically and spiritually.  So, a couple of dirty things were said and heard, but I participated.  I loathe that above all else.  I do not want to undermine any goodness that is in me.  I can't work against the message of Christ this way!  Yes, of course, there is forgiveness (Yes!), but I know better than to do these things.

So I analyzed alcohol and decided that I don't need it, nor do I much want it.  It's always been a social thing for me, and, rarely do I take in so much I feel this way.  However, not wanting to make excuses for myself, I've come to the conclusion that (at least for the time being) I will not drink alcohol.  My husband doesn't - he quit when he joined the navy in 1988.  I admire this man and he's my life partner.  I can honor him more by not stumbling in the front door as if I were some dumb teenager.  It was almost embarrassing the way he looked at me, like, "You didn't even make us dinner."  Of course, he would never say that and I'm sure he didn't even think it . . . but I'm also sure he's not happy about my antics. 

I'm not happy about my antics.  If I'm not, I know God can't be.  So, even though alcohol isn't a "problem" I am going to avoid it.  I'd rather have my coffee and be alert for life and in more control over my mind, mouth, and behaviour.

I believe this is what God is asking of me.  Die to this part of myself (that clings to rebellion).

Mary, Mother of God, ora pro nobis.