Checking In and About Forgivness and Love

I wrote and tried to post yesterday, but the "save feature" of Blogger was on the fritz, I think.  Needless to say, my post is gone and nowhere to be found.  Blogger certainly has its days where it sorely disappoints me.  I wanted to post about the show on OWN called "Finding Sarah" (as in the Duchess of York).  In a nutshell, I cry when I watch her journey in trying to find herself.  She, not unlike the rest of humanity, just wants to be loved and admired.  However, her need is terribly great, because she doesn't know how to grieve what is lost (even when it's been lost for years - because she never really grieved in the first place).  She felt abandoned by her mother at age twelve (her mum ran off to Argentina with a lover), and, her life spiraled from one thing to another when she wed Prince Andrew.  She had the Queen's admiration and the public - respect and love from everyone!  However, she is a royal and cannot share her heartaches - she must wear a mask and continue to beat down and ignore any anger, rage, or sadness in her life. 

She's an approval seeking addict.  Even when it's negative press.  When I watch her respond to inquiries from professionals trying to help her, I can see she is lost.  She has been conditioned to just BE and KEEP SMILING.  She's on the road to recovery, because she wants it so badly, but also because she's learning about herself and finding out that it is okay to be angry and experience her emotions. 

I went through a similar process several years ago.  Whether it is true or not, what a child feels or believes is very real at the time.  I believed my mother didn't love me.  I know, as an adult, that that was never true.  I can acknowledge that my mother loved me the only way she knew how to at the time (and there was a lot of pain and unresolved things in her own life then).  My mother's love toward me was very stilted and conditional - and, I think even she would allow that as a truth (if she could actually think about it w/out thinking I was being unforgiving in bringing it up).  My mother is definitely a different species of challenged, but I love her right where she is at (and it can be a huge effort, trust me, because she would believe me to be accusing her of something rather than just acknowledging where I was coming from).  So, I'm never pointing a finger - just saying "this is how it was" . . . but for some reason my mum can't go there.  So, I don't even try to bring it up in conversation.  Yes, she was horribly mean to me with the things she said to me growing up.  I could not win, because she chose me to terrorize when the mean spirit took over.  Her tongue was a weapon.  It still is.  But, I know that it's her mental illness - not her.  She is a beautiful Christian woman, who has always prayed for us.  That is the image I try and keep in my minds eye when I think on my mum. 

Forgiveness brings us peace.  It brings us understanding.  When I look at my mum, I have to realize that she, too, is a human being who wants so desperately to be noticed and loved.  Just like me.  Just like you.  It isn't easy when we are rejected and hurting and God is asking us to be the first to forgive AND be willing to stand there alone if the other party can't or won't join us.  It is terribly lonely to be in that position of forgiving and getting nothing from the other person(s).  But, we have to accept that some folks are not going to meet us there, and, it is uncomfortable.  We must always put those things to prayer.  We must trust God with our feelings of helplessness in those circumstances.  He will help us with that burden.

This is what I am hoping Sarah Ferguson finds on her journey . . . forgiveness does not excuse bad behaviour, but it does open the floodgates of our hearts to love ourselves and others more freely.  I pray she does find herself so that she can love herself as Christ loves her. 

To know Christ is to know love.  His place is a beautiful place to be.  Knowing we are all welcome means knowing that we must love .  .  . unconditionally . . . each and every other person.  We are our brother's keeper.  We must invite everyone along on this journey to Him.