A Slave To Comments (or not?)

Yes, yes, yes.  I am beholden to the comments.  But, but, but!!!!  There's more to this mish-mash going on inside my noggin than craving attention (whether I get any or not).  Really.  Honestly.

I write for me (mostly).  That's about as honest as an admission you'll get.  *smile*

The thing is . . . the thing is:  I have to ask myself how much do I keep it real here?  My honest admissions might hurt my kids or my spouse or my extended family or friends - and, that would never be my intention.  I will only really ever tell my story, but my story mingles with other people's stories . . . so I'm sharing a bit of them, too.  Maybe they are more private than I am.  I don't know.  SO, I try to be careful.

And, there are other privacy concerns:  our safety.  I can only be "so" vigilant, then it all hinges on trust.

Lately, I have been having a hard time accepting that I am getting older.  I am grateful to be getting older 'cos it means I'm not dead.  However, it's just that I'm more keenly aware of time ticking . . . and all the things I haven't yet done - but I don't let it make me sad in any way.  I just get a wee bit anxious now and again.  I don't like my gray hairs . . . they are really pissing me off.  Which is why I put off cutting my hair for so long 'cos they show.  My hair is too short to cover with dye every five weeks - it's not worth the effort.  Therefore, I'm trying to embrace the change.  And, holy hell, it.is.hard!

I'm worried about my daughter's neck.  We pretty much understand that it's stress-related/induced.  However.  She knows what she needs to do, but isn't.  That, my friends, is the cut mustard right there.  It is so unbelievably frustrating. I wish my stress was in my neck, 'cos my ass is on fire from all the trips to the loo over the worrying.  (How's that for real?)  I'm not kidding.  Cottonelle really needs to re-think what they call soft!

Of course, then, there is Connor.  Well, I always intuitively thought he has some kind of learning issues.  I sought help for him - testing, anything! - to help him with making some success with school.  He has always hated school - and, it's because it does not come easy to him (even though he is particularly bright).  I think we may be finally - finally! - getting some answers soon.  We have a consult to get him tested for ADD.  It's either that or he has anxiety and mild depression and anger because of something else.  I think he has ADD - the silent kind that eats away at a persons self-confidence and self-esteem.  God knows, we have loved him from the beginning and have supported him etc. etc., so something else is going on.  And, my friends, it has been stressful.

Home schooling Christian is going well.  We have ground rules that are working for us.  It's not always peachy 'cos after all it is still school . . . structured learning.  But, he wants to be here - that's all the difference!

I am going to try and use the time Dan is away on a trip for work to get my home better organized.  So far I have made some significant difference in my bedroom (the most stress-inducing room in this house, actually).  Our bedroom cannot be a dumping ground any more.  We make a decision to keep (if that is the case, where?  not in here) or throw away/donate/sell (to the garage for out-sourcing).  I want to become a bit more minimalist.  Well, simplify things a bit more.  Less to "worry" about or, as in our case, pack up and move again later.

There is no definitive word yet, but it looks more and more like we're staying in HI another three years.  I'm indifferent, really. It's nice here so we'll just soak up more of it and get good and properly sick of it.  Me?  I'm really ready to retire and settle down somewhere in our own home.  Hell, bury me in the yard kind of thing.  Move in and stay put.


But, in my world:  just not yet.