Some Crosses . . .

Well, this afternoon I put George the longevity Beta fish out in the garden.  This wasn't as hard as Friday night's horrible horrible horribleness.  But, still, George was a living, created creature.  He was rather dull, but still a living creature.

He certainly wasn't Holly. 

Our beloved Holly was put to rest Friday night.  My heart hurts for her.  She was just a few months past four years of age.  It seems so unfair!  Wednesday night she had a nose to the backside encounter with a poisonous toad on our back lanai.  I thought, she would be okay, because she maybe didn't even touch the darn thing.  However, Thursday morning and most the day she was rather "out of it" and lethargic.  I thought, "Oh, dear, maybe she got a bit of poison, but as deadly as the toads are to dogs, I think it would be far worse so it must be she's getting sick."  I opted to keep watch.  By Thursday night she was walking funny (her back legs weren't obeying her at all . . . she stopped eating and drinking for the most part).  Friday morning I took her to the vet hospital where she was diagnosed with a ruptured disc in her spine.  The options were expensive MRI with expensive surgery, and, really, it was a "crap shoot" for recovery.  I don't have $6k to fork over (but they have a payment plan . . . yeah, not happening).  If Holly's life would be guaranteed relatively good after surgery, I might have jumped at the chance, but with that sort of thing, it's not a great outlook.  She may still have needed a cart for her hind-quarters just to get around.  Bleak.

Bleak as bleak can get.  I opted to take her home and kennel her (restrict her movements as much as possible - even though she wasn't moving anyway).  At that time she could still hobble about.  I have her the first round of steroid and pain meds.  That evening, however, she had defecated and peed all over herself.  She could no longer walk.  Essentially, the vet said if/when that happens even emergency surgery may not restore her to optimum health (hence the cart for her hind-quarters).  It was quickly apparent to me that Holly's quality of life was not going to be good.  She was scared and in a ton of pain.  She would never jump up again.  I couldn't bare that, not even in my thoughts. 

What made it terrifically hard was Dan was away . . . he came home yesterday afternoon.  I've been better with him home.  It's still not right yet . . . I will miss how he played with Holly.  They were so cute together. 

Before 7pm she was at peaceful rest in my arms.  I felt her last breath.  I hope my holding her at the last was of great comfort to her.  She was my baby girl . .. . my little "dum dum". 

I will miss her tremendously.  This is a heavy cross.  But, I know I'm not shouldering it alone.  Thank You, Jesus.  I trust in You.